What do you do for Mother’s Day When Your Relationship With Your Mother Is “Complicated”.
Mother. It’s a fully-loaded word, conjuring up all kinds of different imagery and evoking a multitude of emotions. For most people, the word boils down to things that mean nurturing. They provide solace when we need it, kiss our boo-boos real and imagined. So many things come to mind but really it boils down to mothers being nurturers. My mom was like that but she has an additional quality that makes our relationship now, “complicated”. My mom is an alcoholic. How does one approach Mother’s Day when your relationship with her is strained because of something like an addiction? I’m here to tell you that it is ok to put yourself first and not spend Mother’s Day with her. You don’t even have to call if it’s too much for you. If interacting with her is going to cause your mental health to suffer, it’s ok to not do anything.
“Mother” is not a license to be terrible to her children. There are some people who believe that you put up with whatever crap your family dumps on you because “blood is thicker than water” or some other trite cliche. I do not subscribe to that train of thought. That said, I do still send my mother a gift of some kind, usually flowers, and I give a quick call to wish her Happy Mother’s Day. That’s because I still cave to that societal pressure to acknowledge the day. I’m 48 and it has taken me a long time to get to THIS place. It’s as much as I’m comfortable doing because of her alcoholism. It isn’t a punitive thing that I’m doing TO her. It’s a restorative function that I’m doing FOR me. It took me years to figure out it’s ok for me to put myself first.
Life with an alcoholic isn’t something I’d wish on anyone. Whether it’s a life partner or a parent, it’s a really devastating disease. It took me a long time to stop resenting my mom for being an addict. What I learned though is that it is possible to love the alcoholic and keep away from them when they’re in a period of abusing themselves. It is too painful to be around her when she’s like that so I stay away.
At the time of this writing, our world is suffering through a mind-boggling pandemic, the likes of which hasn’t been seen in my lifetime. It has rocked people to their core and even casual drinkers are imbibing more than usual. My mother has been drinking heavily for several months now, after a period of being dry for a while. My sister and I both talked about how we planned to handle Mother’s Day this year and we are each separately calling the day before so our own Mother’s Day doesn’t have the cloud of that sad interaction hanging over us.
If you have a complicated relationship with your mom, whether it’s because of alcoholism, abuse, or anything else, I want you to be kind to yourself. It’s not your fault, it’s just the way it is and it is totally ok to put yourself first. Do something fun for yourself on Mother’s Day whether you’re a mother or not. I promise you that the world won’t end and you may well end up having the best Mother’s Day ever. Give yourself permission to let go of that apron string and think of your own mental well-being.
Be well. Love yourself. Happy Mother’s Day.
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